Please allow time to pick up your number at the runner’s exposition on the day before the race. Please be aware that the bins holding the numbers are arranged numerically. Bib numbers reflect your seeding in the race. We order the bins to create a walk of shame for people like you who have bib numbers higher than their substantial annual incomes. Everybody will notice you walking across the room to the last bin. Everybody will be laughing.
Our race starts in waves. The background color of your bib corresponds to the wave in which you have been assigned. Your bib has white letters on a black background. This black bib alerts medical personnel along the course that we have concluded from your weight, running experience and projected finishing time that you are at high risk for dying on the course. You will not be allowed to start the race unless you have written contact information for next of kin on the back of your bib.
We have thoughtfully positioned the table with the free commemorative t-shirts and special black bib goody bag next to the bin with the black bibs. We know you will be wanting to keep your walking to a minimum as you rest your legs for the big day.
Be sure when you put your bib inside the clear plastic goody bag that you face the number inwards. If a cashier sees your six-figure number, he may refuse to ring up your purchases of commemorative gear. It will be a matter of conscience. All gear prominently features the name and symbol of our race. The cashier may feel strongly that you should not be able to buy any, given you either bought your way into our race by writing a substantial check to a charity or are an executive for our major corporate sponsor.
Congratulations! Because you have a black bib your goody bag contains additional free items not included in the other goody bags.
First, there is the envelope with free postage for returning your commemorative t-shirt, since we doubt you’ll be finishing the race. If you do not finish and do not send it in, we have volunteers around the country who feel strongly about the reputation of our race and will make sure you never wear it, one way or another. We do allow for race participants who die during the race to be buried in their commemorative t-shirts.
Second, since people like you take a lot of selfies as you run we have included a guide to the 26.2 most photogenic spots along the course as well as a race-safe selfie stick – one that collapses on impact when you hit the runner in front of you. You will be disqualified if you run with any other selfie stick. You must return the t-shirt if disqualified.
We recommend you spend all day at the pre-race exposition. You can carbo-load by grazing on all the free samples of energy bars, gels, and drinks. You can eat so much you can skip our pre-race pasta dinner, at which no one will want to talk to you anyway because it is commonly felt unlucky to talk to a black bib runner. As you wander among the exhibits, please admire the dazzling array of ingenious products inspired by the simple act of running. Clips for attaching your number to your chest hair – we got ‘em. Didn’t know nipple guards like round Band-Aids that prevent chafing and bleeding come in three circumferences? See Booth 239. And be sure to stop by to say hello to your favorite running author, on hand to promote his classic How to Have Your Best Race Ever Without Training at All.
How much you have trained has been your own personal decision, but we trust you have not neglected your lower sphincter muscles in your regime. Strong lower sphincter muscles we have learned are important for successfully starting our race. Port-a-Potties, Honey Pots, Port-a-Johns and Go-Aheads, will line all sides of the Waiting Field, where you will be penned in before the start. Wait time for these facilities will average 47 minutes. Wait time will be long because runners will be in ant-like formations in front of them as they use them over and over, since they have nothing else to do. We do not guarantee toilet paper for when your big moment comes. Although it is a logical pre-race strategy, you must not stay in a facility with the door closed until called to the start just to make sure it is available for you when you need it. A race official will knock on any closed door after three minutes. He will get security after six minutes. You now have one minute to emerge before you will be disqualified from the race and requested to return the t-shirt.
You will be called to the start at about the time the runners in the first wave are nearing the finish. Since it is now mid-day, expect warm conditions. We concede this is unfortunate since you are among the racers most likely to collapse from the heat. Please hydrate aggressively. Listen for announcements calling for your wave to gather at the Jumbotron near the exit to the Waiting Field. Rest assured that you will be able to watch the finish of the race as you prepare to start it.
As you leave the Waiting Field a race volunteer will check your bib color, make sure your next of kin information is complete given you have a black bib, and finally call out the traditional “dead man walking!” for black bib runners as you go on your way. It is a mile from the Waiting Field to the starting line. We have medical tents in case you can’t make it (they will remind you to return the t-shirt). The walk, however, is likely to be the high point of your day. Spectators along the route will be cheering you on, so you can feel triumphant before you even start (although by the time of the black wave most will have left for lunch). Also, you are likely to be still feeling pretty good, at least for the first quarter mile. Officials will be on hand with pre-race sundries you may have forgotten, such as sun block, gobs of Vaseline (on tongue depressors for discrete application), and nipple guards. Hold on to the tongue depressor.
Volunteers will also be on hand with black markers to write your name on your arm so people can cheer you by yelling “go” and then your name. If your name is long, we recommend just writing “fish” or “to hell.” Or you can pretend your name is “runners” for the day and not write anything.
Please note that the area around the walk is patrolled by armed police officers on ATVs, who have instructions to shoot to kill anybody they discover trying to sneak a last one in the bushes. Keep in mind that your next of kin will be contacted for return of the t-shirt if you meet your demise in this way. Because you officially have failed to start, under no circumstances may you be buried in the t-shirt.
Now that you have reached your starting corral but have hydrated aggressively, your best option is to squat and push the bottom of your shorts to the side, whatever your sex. Use that tongue depressor. Spectators and race officials on the sidelines will only see you prostrate and will assume that you are praying. Members of the opposite sex do not appreciate having you steady yourself by holding onto their butt. And avoid touching the ground. By the time of the black wave, it will be wet from preceding runners doing exactly what you are now doing.
We cannot guarantee water stations and medical tents will still be manned by the time you start.
Have a great race!